Rascal:  Kerry Campbell

Rascally Act: Freezing her daughter's face and waxing her daughter's legs to win beauty pageants. Her daughter, Britney, is eight.

Rascally Details: Kerry Campbell is well on her way to being a nationally famous Rascal for injecting her eight-year-old daughter Britney with Botox...and waxing her legs...all to conquer the beauty pageant circuit.

Kerry appeared on one of the nationally-televised morning feel-good crap shows to explain why her daughter needed Botox and "virgin waxes". When asked what started the climb toward fake eight-year-old beauty, Kerry reminisced: "She didn't exactly ask me about it but I know that she was complaining about her face having wrinkles and things like that." That's correct, folks...an eight-year-old was complaining about her wrinkles.

Britney is, of course, named after Britney Spears, "the most talented and respectable woman to ever grace the planet," said Kerry. She continued: "From the time I birthed Britney, I wanted to emulate the life and career path of Ms. Spears for her...and it started when I gave her the name. Brit. Ney." Kerry went on with her reminiscing, "I thought...She'll be dancin' and singin' and sluttin' it up in no time." And Kerry aims to speed up that process.

Britney was asked about the beauty treatments she receives by one of the craptastic morning program's info-babes. On Botox, Britney said..."It hurt sometimes, but I get used to it..." We here at Rascal of the Day agree with Britney: at eight years old, its much better to be used to facial injections than those pesky young wrinkles.

The "virgin wax" is all the rage on the beauty pageant circuit these days, as girls under the age of ten have seen an explosion in the incidence of leg hair. As Britney said: "...I just don't think it's ladylike to have hair on your legs." All those extra hormones added to the nation's supply of milk and meat is finally paying off. "By growing hair on children even earlier in life, we can market our fabulous beauty products to them before their brains are fully developed," said Jessica Szohr, the spokeswoman for Dove's fresh line of 'Beauty is fake' petroleum-based products.

Kerry agrees. She's been shopping around for eight-year-old breast implants but doesn't currently have the money to boost Britney's cup size. She's hoping to find an altruistic donor, or maybe she will get instant fame from her morning show appearance. "I don't know where the money's gonna come from...but when Britney gets her double d's, she will dominate the beauty pageant circuit...at least in our county." Ah, Kerry's nothing if not ambitious. 

At left: Britney is almost ready! Kerry calls this the bee-sting look, "a favorite among pageant judges," she continued, "it really sets 'em a-buzz."

At left: Rock n Roll. Britney practices her pouting face prior to last week's beauty pageant. Her idols (aside from her namesake, Ms. Spears) include Angelina Jolie and Julia Roberts, among other Botox Babes.

So here's to ya Kerry. We here at Rascal of the Day raise our piss-yellow brews to ya. Then  we stumble in the tallgrass, revealing our hairy ass legs and pits and chins...and our big ol' fake balloon titties.

Rascal: Raymond Devaughn Taylor

Rascally Act: Getting Buck Ass Naked while lecturing to his accounting class.

Rascally Details: Raymond Taylor was employed last year as a part time Accounting lecturer at Kennesaw State University in GA. Sure, he'd showed signs of instability and eccentricity before - breaking down and crying during class, things like that. Butt (sic) none of his students were quite prepared for what Raymond decided to share with the class on Nov. 30th of last year - his wrinkly ass, grey-haired, rascally ole' bag-o-junk.

That's right, folks - Raymond got bare ass naked in front of his accounting class, amidst a rant about not wanting to live up to other people's standards. Several students cried out "ewww, gross!", but as you well know, rascals are bold. Raymond just kept right on lecturing.

At least one female, Steffanie Scialdone, had a positive reaction to the incident. "He didn't flash us for some sick perverted kick out of it. I think
he did it to make a point loud and clear to his students: Live life without regrets and shame. And always have an open heart, be forgiving
and grateful. He is a very brave man, and I respect him deeply." She added, "I think it's sad that he got arrested." How Steffanie was able to infer all that from this rascal gettting naked

Despite the addition to his criminal record, Raymond Taylor has been able to use last year's incident to move his life in a new direction. We caught up with him at a recent Naked Bike Ride in Portland, OR. "Teaching account clearly wasn't a fit for someone as passionate as I am. Universities these days aren't what they were in the late 60s. It's a very sterile environment."

Raymon Devaughn Taylor - we're glad you've been able to connect with "your peeps". We ring our bike bells to your old naked ass, and wish you luck on this year's tour. Ride On, Rascal!

Rascal: Jessica Szohr

Rascally Act: Supporting multinational corporation in giving women one more aspect of physical appearance about which to worry.

Rascally Details: Jessica Szohr, of the idiot box's "Gossip Girl", is increasing women's beauty and self-esteem by bringing another physical malady to the forefront, one that affects untold numbers of women: the ugly underarm.

Due to her concern for the inner-images of women (and a large bag of dead presidents), she is now the spokeswoman for Dove's "go sleeveless" deodorant, which promises more beautifully smooth and luxurious underarms in only 5 days of use.

Ladies, you should consider yourselves lucky that multi-national corporations (like Unilever-Dove) and paid spokeswomen (like Jessica) are looking out for you. We all know the importance of an attractive underarm, and many women, apparently, are so burdened by underarm anxiety that it affects what they wear. And the 2010 Undercovering Underarms Study proves it.

The great Murrikuhn company Dove, which is owned by the great Dutch company Unilever, wonders "how did our idear of beauty become so distorted?" In the spirit of this theme, it conducted an online survey in 2010 to gather information about women's opinions on underarms.

When Dove did not get the results it wanted, it re-directed the survey to women sitting in the waiting rooms at plastic surgeon offices. Ahhhh, much better. 93 percent of women think their underarms are unattractive and over half (53 percent) decide what to wear based on underarm appearance.

Armed with the market data that supported its new product, Dove, with its focus on "the beauty within," launched the 'go sleeveless' deodorant, with Jessica as the spokeswoman. Ladies, this great product is guaranteed to disappear your unsightly underarms parts in just 5 days!

Jessica enjoys a cozy relationship with Dove, for which she receives luxurious compensation, but she's not in it for the money. "I would slather these chemical-laden products on my skin whether Dove paid me or not," Jessica said. She went on to say, "I may get cancer from them, but at least I will look fake and unnatural...just look at how my appearance has changed since the days when I auditioned for 'Tool Time'." (see below)

At left: Jessica Szohr prior to her affiliation with Dove. We here at Rascal of the Day secured this photograph of Jessica through our large (and ever-growing) network of field agents.

Apparently, this photo was taken just before her audition for Tool Time's Al Borland. She did not get the part, unfortunately, which sent her searching for new roles in her quest for Hollywood stardom.

"I am very fortunate to still be confident [no matter what] and come summer, the tank top and sleeveless come out.  I am so thrilled at Dove’s constant reminders that beauty is within."
(posted online by 'cloutwoman' along with her underam photo before using Dove's new product)

Yes 'cloutwoman', Dove's focus on "the beauty within" is so enthralling that its products are focused on "the beauty without." Women are more informed about the parts of their bodies that just aren't up to code because of great corporate concern (along with grand marketing schemes) for scourges on women like toenail fungus, backfat, and other unsightly physical monstrosities.

And now through genuine concern for women the world over (or at least in rich white areas)...underarm anxiety. But for just $2 more per deodorant bar, detrimental underarms can become areas of great beauty.

Here's to ya Jessica, for giving women one more physical attribute to worry about incessantly. You're concern for women's self-esteem is a tower of sincerity. You are a shining example of everything that is good about corporate-sponsored beauty products. And a purveyor of feminine self-esteem.

We raise our underarms to ya Jessica, and in 5 days (if we use your new and much needed product) those underarms will be even less hideous. Then, maybe our contracted smell testers will actually enjoy their jobs. Thanks for letting us know Jessica, ya Rascal!!!

Rascal: Pastor Jim Moats

Rascally Act: Falsely claiming to be a Navy Seal for the past 5 years.

Rascally Details: Today's rascal comes to us courtesy of Brandon Cole of Kennesaw, GA. For 5 years, Pennsylvania pastor Jim Moats has lied to his congregation about having served as a Navy SEAL in the Vietnam war. The sorry Son of a Bitch even bought a fake Trident medal at a military surplus store, and wore it around town. Moats claimed that he wasn't trying to mislead people with the medal, that it wasn't about him - it was "meant as a memorial to all SEALs". Yeah right, ya Rascal! Jim's rascality came to light after he fed the local paper additional horse shit - detailing his exploits as a seal, in the wake of Bin Laden's death. Apparently, part of Jim's tale was lifted straight out of the 1992 movie Under Siege, wherein Steven Seagal portrays a heroic ex-Navy SEAL, who thwarts a gang of terrorists' attempt to take over a US Navy battleship where he works as a cook.

Just like Seagal's character - Casey Ryback, Jim was assigned dishwashing duty as part of a mandated "attitude adjustment", after getting into a fight at a club.
“I had almost no discipline. I was as wild as they came. That was my nemesis,” Moats lied, detailing his imagined past rascally exploits. Moats went on to claim that he was subjected to waterboarding and sleep deprivation - "because the Navy knew this was what the Vietnamese did to captured SEALs." Man, this douche is just longing for the rascally past that never was.

As soon as the local paper published Jim's tall tale, the calls came pouring in from real former SEALs, smelling bullshit clear across the internets.  "We deal with these guys all the time, especially the clergy. It’s amazing how many of the clergy are involved in those lies to build that flock up” said Don Shipley, one of the few retired SEALs with access to the database containing the names of all former and current SEALs. This "outing" forced Jim to adopt the famous "pastoral look of shame and remorse", pictured above. Naturally, this was accompanied by the standard pastoral line, heard when they get caught having an affair, jerking off, or some other such rascally deed - "I bring a shame and a reproach upon the name of Christ, I bring a shame and a reproach upon my church, and I bring a shame and a reproach upon my family.”

Jim - you're a true "man among men (of God)." Were it not for mentally unstable folks like yourself, life just wouldn't be as colorful and interesting. Bless you for being unhappy with who you really are, and inventing colorful tales of a rascally past. In so doing, you have won yourself the life you longed for - the life of a true rascal. Welcome to the Big Leagues, Brother. We and The Gipper - quite the rascal in his own right, salute you and entrust our mortal souls to your pastoral care.

Rascal: Harold Camping

Rascally Act: Predicting the End of the World. Pretending it is mathematically "proven" in the Bible.

Rascally Details: According to Harold Camping, the Day of Judgment is near. Very near. May 21 2011, to be precise. This crusty old rascal hasn’t the slightest doubt that the end of the world is right around the corner. "Absolutely not,” camping replied to the question of doubt in a recent NPR interview “It is going to happen, There is no Plan B." We here at Rascal of the Day would like to remind Mr. Camping that this already is “Plan B”, ya dumb fuck. Back in ‘92, Camping predicted that Christ’s would return on Sept. 6th 1994. He now claims the error was simply due to the fact that he hadn’t completed his biblical research. “For example, I at that time had not gone through the book of Jeremiah, which is a big book in the Bible that has a whole lot to say about the end of the world." You might think one would be a bit more cautious in predicting the end of the world, but boldness has always been a hallmark of rascalliness.

Camping has been successful in convincing others to brush aside this past mistake, as well. Fellow “May 21sters” gladly don t-shirts, hats, and signs proclaiming the coming of Judgement Day later this month. Kevin Brown (pictured at left) said in the same NPR interview “People need to know, and God commands us to share the Gospel about the end of the world. He says if we do not share the Gospel then their blood will be on our hands, whether they believe or not. God's been moving me to do this." Some of these poor saps have even quit their jobs and remolded their entire life around the notion that Judgment Day is later this month. “Knowing the date of the end of the world changes all your future plans,” says 27-year-old Adrienne Martinez. “We budgeted everything so that, on May 21, we won't have anything left.” Brilliant.

From the FamilyRadio.com website:

What signs precede the Day of Judgment?
Jesus warned of several spiritual signs, such as the complete degradation of the Christian church, the devastating moral breakdown of society, the re-establishment of National Israel in1948, the emergence of the 'Gay Pride Movement', and the complete disregard of the Bible in all of society today as direct evidence of His return.

It’s that simple, folks - Jesus said it would end at the time of the emergence of the ‘Gay Pride Movement’, and we’ve come to the point in history (some 30+ years ago). What you don’t remember reading that? You haven’t actually read it cover to cove, have you? There you go - shut the fuck up until you have. And hurry - you don't have much time!

The devotees at FamilyRadio are even kind enough to tour the country in trucks proclaiming to the less-informed amongst us that the end of the world is approaching.

Harold Camping - you crusty old rascal, If we’re all still here on May 22nd, you owe me a beer you Son of a Bitch. Wait - let me guess, we’ll be hearing that you had to revise one of your “calculations”. Next time it’s going to be for real. They do say that the third time is a charm, so we certainly wish you success in your future predictions, you rascal of a bible scholar!

Rascal:  Lophorina superba aka the Superb Bird of Paradise; male (as are most Rascals it seems)

Rascally Act: Turning himself into a flat creepy iridescent dancing smiley  face.  (And all, of course, to entice potential female mates.); Using evolutionary processes to procure wanton sexual relations

Rascally Details: This slick playa hails from the rainforests of New Guinea. Since the number of females is quite low, there is fierce competition among the males "to get 'em some." Due to the limited opportunities for sexual action, the male Superb Bird of Paradise developed a bizarre, rambunctious, and visually scary courtship ritual.

The male first prepares himself a dance floor by sweeping and cleaning with leaves. Next, he attracts females with a loud call. When and if a female approaches, he spreads his black feather cape and blue-green breast shield symmetrically around his head, thus becoming a cartoon-like elliptical shaped-figure. Further, he dances around the female in circles, snapping his tail feathers on the ground. Obviously, this Rascal really wants to get laid.
 

At left: The object of his affection. This drab-colored lady sends our male feathered friend into a tizzy. Through sheer transformation, intimidation, and primal fear, he wooooos her toward physical pleasures so that his eerie dance moves can evolve within his progeny. The average female rejects 15-20 potential suitors before consenting to mate.

At left: Phases of the mating dance. If he scares the shit out of her, he either gets laid (unlikely), or she flies away with a quickness (more likely).

Here's to ya, Superb Bird of Paradise, male variety. You have spent generations and thousands of evolutionary years perfecting the "New Guinea Hustle"...just to get yourself a little tail.

Now, that is about as Rascally as they come.



And so, rainforest playa, we raise our white butterfly-collared leisure suits (and sweaty armpits) to ya, Superb Bird of Paradise, ya horny feathered Rascal!

Rascal: Sanjay Patel

Rascally Act: Selling Dildos - Lots of them, In Broad Daylight

Rascally Details: Today's rascal comes to us courtesy of
Zoe Notara from Athens, Greece. She took this photo while on a recent holiday to India.

As many of you are aware, India has a very socially conservative culture - at least on the surface, anyway. Homosexuality - illegal. Holding hands with the opposite sex - taboo. Dating - extremely controversial. Marriages are still, for the most part, arranged by the parents of the bride and groom. Pre-marital sex is so abhored, that would be brides are subjected to humiliating "virginity tests". A lucrative market has sprung up around "virginity restoration" procedures - surgically removing all traces of pre-marital sin.

Of course, as India continues along the path of Western "progress", the level of rascality can't help but increase along with the GDP. Clothes are becoming increasingly revealing. Every major Bollywood production features a "wet sari" scene, wherein voluptuous breasts are all but laid laid bare for the horny male masses. Kids are getting wasted. Teens are screwing in the back rooms of night clubs. But all this remained at least partially veiled behind the fraying cloak of social conservatism. People didn't just parade that shit in broad daylight for the elder generation to freak out over.

And then came Sanjay, a rascal with real gumption - proudly selling dildos of all shapes and sizes and colors. Right in his vending cart, in the middle of the Delhi bazaar, in the middle of the fucking day. Between the calculators and the reading glasses!

Sanjay Patel - pioneering purveyor of pleasure in the third world, all of us here at Rascal of the Day raise our dildos to our foreheads and salute you, Sir! Way to be bold, ya rascal!

Rascal: Gary Weddle

Rascally Act: Impersonating Osama Bin Laden...out of his spite for Osama Bin Laden.

Rascally Details: Nearly ten years ago, when the architectural symbols of Murikuhn imperial dominance were brought down through careful planning by cave-dwelling infidels, Gary Weddle made a promise. The substitute teacher vowed to never shave or otherwise shorten his beard until the day that Osama Bin Laden was captured and/or killed.

At left: Gary attends Easter mass, donning the purple turban of royalty.

We here at Rascal of the Day are wondering exactly what made this OBL-imposter wear a Crown Royal bag over his head to church.

At left: Gary, thinkin', preparin. Gettin' readuh fur shavin'.

Well, Gary, you've shown your true patriotism and love for the good ol' US of A. By reminding us exactly what Osama Bin Laden looks like, we will never  forget that appearance isn't everything...until the next episode of American Idol.

So to you Gary, teacher, Rascal imposter, bearded Rascal: we send out our inaugural Redneck salute (which is eerily similar to the brown-neck salute often seen in Muslin countries, usually accompanied by a group of men hopping around in passionate dance)...ya damn Rascal!!!

You just don't wind up with a shirt like this, unless you's a rascal. As you've learned by know, rascals are proud to display their rascality.

This rascal was captured by one of our intrepid fields agents.

Rascal - we salute and thank you for announcing your rascally self!