Rascal: John Hagee

Rascally Act: Peddling hate, bigotry, and ignorance in the name of religion.

Rascally Details: This rascal is a televangelist who broadcasts his national radio and television ministry on 160 TV stations, 50 radio stations, and eight networks.

Jews are responsible for the holocaust

On the surface, it seems like this rascal cares about the mostly Jewish population of Israel. But what has he actually said?

"It was the disobedience and rebellion of the Jews, God's chosen people, to their covenantal responsibility to serve only the one true God... Their own rebellion had birthed the seed of antisemitism that would arise and bring destruction to them for centuries to come..."

Hurricane Katrina was God's Punishment for Homosexuality

"I believe that Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans...I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God, and they are -- were recipients of the judgment of God for that...There was to be a homosexual parade there on the Monday that the Katrina came. And the promise of that parade was that it was going to reach a level of sexuality never demonstrated before in any of the other Gay Pride parades.... The Bible teaches that when you violate the law of God, that God brings punishment sometimes before the day of judgment."

Qur'an Mandates Killing Christians and Jews

"those who live by the Qur'an have a scriptural mandate to kill Christians and Jews... it teaches that very clearly."

All ye Women who would enter the Gates of Heaven - Submit to Yo Man!

"Only a Spirit-filled woman can submit to her husband's lead. It is the natural desire of a woman to lead through feminine manipulation of the man...Fallen women will try to dominate the marriage. The man has the God-given role to be the loving leader of the home."

Rascally Backdrops

Hagee, it seems, can't give a single sermon without a wild-ass, larger than life, rascally back-drop. It just helps to drive home these messages of God's love.

The Rascal Don't Fall Far From the Pulpit

Many Christians are understandably very concerned. Who will deliver these comforting messages of God's hatred of homosexuals and women's subordinate status in the world, when the time inevitably comes for John to take his rightful seat in God's Kingdom? Fret not, God-Fearing people - Daddy's Lil Rascal is already taking on more and more of God's great work. Pastor Matthew Charles Hagee is the sixth generation in the Hagee family to carry the mantel of Gospel ministry. Matthew is a graduate of Oral Roberts University.

Rascal: Crystal Dean (our very first female Rascal)

Rascally Act: Pole dancing for Jesus...on Sunday; tempting good Christian women to "get on the pole for Jesus"




The Rascally Details:  Alleged former stripper Crystal Dean (we are assuming that is a stage name) offers Christian women the opportunity to continue worshiping every second Sunday at her pole dancing studio.  Formerly chaste and pious women are lured into this pit of temptation with church bulletins in hand (for free admission) to experience pole dancing for Jesus for themselves. 

They witness the majesty and glory of Crystal swinging her body around the pole in deep reverence for her lord and savior, Jesus Christ.  Then, if these confused women have devolved far enough, they too can experience the glory of Jesus by flinging their own bodies around the shiny Jesus pole.

First, they all get down on their knees, in front of Jesus, and praise his name.  Then they climb upon the pole and twirl themselves around in adoration and exaltation.  Jesus is a merciful man, and is accepting of a variety of worshiping styles, even these ladies in their wanton deviousness.  It is rumored that he enjoys flailing legs and skin burns.  When contacted, Jesus' media representative had no comment.

(At left): Just continuing to worship on every second Sunday.  Christian church bulletin required.  Tattoos and spread eagles optional.

Six inch 'Mary Magdalene' heels, because, you know, "they're good for the glutes."

(Above) More clients succumb to the obvious allure of pole dancing for Jesus.  As Crystal says, "Jesus just loves the spin move."  The ladies twirl to contemporary Christian music.  Such recognizable Christian hits as "The Only Thing that's Good in Me is Jesus" seem to work the ladies up into a frenzy, noted Crystal. 

(Above): Crystal's dream: actually pole dancing in the house of her lord. She is confident that the church coffers will be brimming over that day.  With the validity and credibility of their story fading fast, some men of the cloth are considering it as a viable option.

Here's to you Crystal Dean...Christian...pole dancer...Rascal.  We raise our chalices of holy wine to your ministry and witness.